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THE ROUNDHOUSE TIMES · Metro Desk · by “Scoop” McGuffin

LOCAL HERO KICKS EARTHQUAKE BACK INTO THE MANTLE

Gotham-ish City — Seismologists are baffled after a minor tremor abruptly reversed course Tuesday night, allegedly because Batnorris “didn’t like its attitude.”

Witnesses report the vigilante performed a single roundhouse kick near 4th and Fear, after which the shaking “went home and thought about what it did.” The U.S. Geological Survey has declined to comment, citing “an ongoing investigation into gravity’s feelings.”

Mayor Linda Absolutely-Not-Real praised the effort: “We’re just glad downtown is still downtown.”

Batnorris was last seen helping a kitten out of a tree by asking the tree to sit down.